


it was the night things changed, do you see it now?

by thekaidonovskys



Series: Becoming Three [8]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Crying, M/M, Multi, Nightmares, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Suicide Attempt, Polyamory, Self-Blame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-29
Updated: 2014-07-29
Packaged: 2018-02-10 21:33:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2041029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekaidonovskys/pseuds/thekaidonovskys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He’s kind of sobbing and it’s kind of gross but Newt’s crying just as bad on his shoulder and it turns out they both need this more than they realized. Except Newt clearly realized, if not actively then somewhere in his subconscious, and he’s never shared this - maybe with Hermann, but never with Tendo - never revealed the blame he’s been carrying around for so long.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it was the night things changed, do you see it now?

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted by Tumblr user thekaidonovskys

**“Because Tendo was Newt’s first friend, the first person who he liked spending time with and could get along with and right from that first moment when they realised that the other was also alone in the world, they know they’d be getting along. And for all those years at the Shatterdome, even when they’d been floors apart and interactions were limited with the end of the war imminent, they were still the best of friends.**

**Tendo was Newt’s first friend ever.**

**Except Newt went and found someone else, and Tendo’s been left alone.**

**He’s left Tendo alone.**

**And no matter what the actual cause is - which they’re going to have to find out, they need to know what’s happened - Newt knows that this is at least partially his fault.”**

_\- fall headfirst like paper planes in playground games_

***

It’s usually the other way around.

Tendo wakes in the middle of the night with the sensation of something not quite being right. He knows he hasn’t had a nightmare, knows Hermann is sleeping next to him, still and quiet and calm, and Newt -

Is gone.

Tendo peers over at the bathroom to check if the light is on, which it isn’t. So he sits up, carefully as to not wake Hermann, and slides out of bed. Yawning, he makes his way to the door and eases it open, focusing on closing it quietly behind himself before turning around. 

That’s when he sees Newt. He’s sitting on the floor, in front of the fire, knees tucked up to his chest. He’s looking down, as if trying to avert his gaze, and Tendo can see where he’s hastily wiped away tears. 

Quiet and gentle, Tendo crosses the room and sits down next to him. He doesn’t speak, doesn’t touch, just waits.

Finally, Newt sighs. “So after all of my words about waking me up if you have a bad dream, I’m just a massive hypocrite.”

Tendo does touch him then, because Newt’s tone is  _aching_ , and there’s clearly something very wrong here. He carefully puts his arm around Newt’s shoulders, rubbing his thumb along his shoulder blade. “Don’t beat yourself up,” he says softly. “I’m not angry. And you’re clearly upset enough by the dream.”

Newt nods, and more tears spill over. “Sorry,” he says, pressing the heels of his palms to his eyes. “Sorry, I’m sorry, I -“

“Shh,” Tendo murmurs. “Don’t. It’s okay.”

“It’s really not.”

And now Tendo’s really worried. “Can you tell me?”

Newt drops his hands into his lap, and he’s definitely crying properly now. “Are you in a good frame of mind?” he asks. 

Tendo knows exactly what that means. “You dreamt about Sydney, didn’t you?”

“I… I fucked up.”

Tendo blinks. “What?”

“I fucked  _up_ , Tendo. I should’ve been there.”

“You mean - but you couldn’t have, you couldn’t have  _known_ -“

“But - no, okay, maybe I couldn’t have stopped it but I could’ve been there  _after_ even if I hadn’t been there physically, I still could’ve… and I wasn’t, I let you down, you needed someone and I wasn’t  _there -_ ”

Newt’s not making enough sense, and Tendo shifts so he can look at him properly, both arms around him now. “Okay, Newt? Stop. Take a deep breath.” Newt does, tears still falling but at least a little calmer now. “Alright. Now, nice and calm, tell me what’s going on.”

Newt looks down. “You got hurt, badly,” he says quietly. “You got raped, and you got threatened, and then you went home and sat there all night trying to work out what to do and in the end you tried to kill yourself. And maybe if I’d been there or if I’d been a better friend and kept in contact with you, then -“

“Don’t you  _dare_.”

“But if you’d had someone to go to -“

Tendo shakes his head and lets go of Newt, covering his face with his hands. “Newt,” he whispers. “How can you even think…”

That’s about when he breaks down completely. 

“Oh god,” he hears Newt say, sounding horrified. “Tendo, I didn’t mean to -  _god_ , why do I always fuck everything up?”

And Tendo’s not okay with that, so he reaches out for Newt, pulls him close and hides his head in Newt’s shoulder. He’s kind of sobbing and it’s kind of gross but Newt’s crying just as bad on his shoulder and it turns out they both need this more than they realized. Except Newt clearly realized, if not actively then somewhere in his subconscious, and he’s never shared this - maybe with Hermann, but never with Tendo - never revealed the  _blame_ he’s been carrying around for so long. And that just makes Tendo feel awful.

Tendo’s the first to get a hold of himself. Newt’s gone quiet, but his tears are still soaking into Tendo’s shoulder and he’s obviously distraught over this, and Tendo’s the one who has to make it right. “Hey, beautiful, look at me?” he asks gently. 

Newt lifts his head. His eyes are red and swollen, and his voice cracks when he speaks. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs. 

“No, none of that. No more apologies. Let’s talk it out, because it looks like you’ve been holding on to this one for awhile - does Hermann know?”

“No. I didn’t - it’s not like I’ve been dwelling on it. I haven’t even considered it, really, since the hospital, but the dream…”

“Tell me?”

“I dreamt we were too late. And we found a letter when we went to clear out your things, saying that this was my fault, that I hadn’t been there for you.”

More tears fall, and Tendo rubs his back. “I can promise you that even if it had -“ he stops, bites his lip, then skips the rest of the sentence. “I never would’ve done that, and I didn’t  _do_ that, simply because I never blamed you. I didn’t… I wasn’t bitter, I didn’t do it cursing anybody or - or feeling let down. Apart from  _them_ , of course, that’s a whole different thing, but not you, Newt. In fact, I really did consider calling you.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I couldn’t find the words. From when it happened until when I woke up with the two of you next to me that day, I didn’t speak. And how could I have done it, anyway? Called up Switzerland in the middle of the night and told you that I got raped? What could you have done?”

“Gotten on a plane and come straight to you.”

Tendo pauses. “You would have?”

Newt closes his eyes. “The fact that you don’t know that… yes, Tendo. Absolutely, without a doubt. Ask Hermann and he’ll tell you the same thing.  _Someone hurt you._ Like hell I would’ve sat back and left you there.”

It’s true, and now Tendo just feels awful for having made Newt feel worse. “Of course you would have,” he says, and means it. “I’m sorry, beautiful, I really am. I didn’t mean to doubt you - and god did I want to call you. And I think, if I’m being really honest with myself…”

Newt looks at him again, frowning. “What is it?”

Tendo sighs. “I think I knew you would’ve come and… and as much as I wanted someone there - as much as I wanted  _you_ there - I didn’t want to have to look at you and have you know what had happened to me. I was  _ashamed,_ Newt. They made me feel like I deserved it, and how could I call you, my best friend in the world, and tell you what happened and make you  _fly across the world_ to have to look at me and see the pathetic,  _worthless_ person they’d turned me into? I’d rather have died, and that was the choice I made.”

Newt is staring at him as if Tendo’s broken his heart. Tendo rather suspects he has. 

“I don’t know what to do,” Newt murmurs after a minute. “How can I make you see how  _wrong_ that is?”

Tendo catches his hands and holds them tight. “You already have,” he says softly. “I don’t feel like that anymore, I promise. I know I didn’t deserve it, I know it was their fault and not mine and that they are completely to blame and I did nothing wrong. You and Hermann have made that abundantly clear, and it’s obvious that I should have called you, I can see that now. But I didn’t.  _I’m_ the one who fucked up, Newt, not you. I made the wrong decision and I’m damn lucky that I didn’t do it right, no matter what I said to you to the contrary in the hospital - and man am I sorry about that, I’ve never said so but I really am. But I’m glad to be alive, and I’m so glad to have you and Hermann and if I could go back and change things then I would have called you in a heartbeat and I’m so sorry I made you feel like it was your fault that I didn’t. If you want to blame somebody for what happened to me, though, blame  _them._ Okay?"

Newt nods. “Okay. I’m glad you’re alive too, for the record.”

“Then would you act like it and stop crying?”

Newt smiles, and Tendo returns it. “I’m trying. God, I must look like a mess.”

“No more than me. But you’re still beautiful.”

“As are you.”

“I know.” Newt chuckles, which was his intention, and Tendo, still smiling, lifts a hand to his cheek. “Everything okay now? No more blaming yourself?”

“Think you’ve made it loud and clear that I’m not allowed to, so yeah.”

“Good. Because I love you way too much to ever be okay with you thinking that sort of thing.”

“I love you too.” Newt sighs and rests his forehead against Tendo’s. “There’s no way I’m getting any more sleep tonight, though.”

Tendo tries to see the time without moving his head, and just manages to catch it out of the corner of his eye. “It’s four,” he says. “When did you wake up?”

“About an hour ago.”

“And I’ve probably been here for about forty minutes, so I think we’ll be okay to stay up until it’s actually morning… and hey, there’s a thought.”

“Hm?”

“Want to go watch the sunrise?”

Newt pulls back far enough to kiss him, soft and sweet and sure. “Absolutely.”

So they do, and it’s almost like another new beginning.

***

They tell Hermann when he wakes up, who looks torn between whacking Newt across the back of the head and hugging him hard. “You’re damn right I would have scolded you if I had known at the time,” he says when Newt admits to that having been his worry. “Did you not see the look in Tendo’s eyes when he saw you were there? He didn’t blame you. There might have been guilt and regret, but in the first second it was plain relief. He was so glad to see you, darling.”

“I was,” Tendo confirms, arms around Newt again. “Both of you, though. Don’t rule yourself out, Hermann.”

Hermann smiles. “I know,” he says, gently playing with Newt’s hands, an action that always calms him. “But I knew that, anyway. Newton was the moron who decided he was to blame for your pain.”

“Excuse me for caring. I can stop if you like?”

Tendo laughs. “You couldn’t if you tried - you love us too much. You’re in this for the long run.”

“I know. So are you.”

And Tendo knows that’s a confirmation Newt needs - not just that Tendo’s here, but that he’s  _here._ “I am. I’m going to be here for a long time yet. So let’s leave the past where it belongs, okay?”

They both agree, and Tendo goes to make breakfast, and life goes on. 

**Author's Note:**

> Because I mentioned this in the first fic in this series, totally meant to go back to it within that story itself, then completely forgot. 
> 
> Title from "Change".


End file.
